“The Trump administration on Thursday said it would halt Harvard University’s ability to enroll international students, taking aim at a crucial funding source for the nation’s oldest and wealthiest college in a major escalation of the administration’s efforts to pressure the elite school to fall in line with the president’s agenda.” – New York Times

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Dear “PRESIDENT” Garber,

As you KNOW, it has ALWAYS been a priority of this Administration to foster greater VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY at Harvard. Particularly on days when the STOCK MARKET is on a BUSINESS TRIP to SUCKTOWN. This is why, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, we hereby BAN Harvard from enrolling ANY FOREIGNERS, thereby halting the ILLEGAL flow of non-diverse viewpoints from NOT AMERICA.

The same goes for ANTISEMITISM. We want it GONE. Harvard must once again be a place where people from all walks of life can come together to SHOUT INCOHERENTLY about how best to gift wrap the ENORMOUS BOMBS we send to Israel. Just make sure NO PALESTINIANS are there. Also, weirdly, NO ISRAELIS. Just red-white-and-blue-blooded AMERICANS. And the very occasional HOT SLOVENIAN. But really, no, just AMERICANS. We MEAN it. Just not the ones from either coast, Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, or ANYONE who has ever SEEN OR TOUCHED the inside of a PRIUS. Only REAL Americans. Americans who LOVE THEIR COUNTRY, love CYBERTRUCKS, and love the word DIVERSITY if—AND ONLY IF—it’s immediately preceded by the word VIEWPOINT.

Some have suggested that this ban is nothing more than a brazen act of political extortion designed to SILENCE anyone with the audacity to speak out against the obvious hallmarks of authoritarianism; that if we ACTUALLY CARED about things like VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY, or ANTISEMITISM, we probably would’ve told Elon to COOL IT with the Nazi salutes. This couldn’t be FURTHER from THE TRUTH. The part about us not having principles beyond a CRAVEN HUNGER for ABSOLUTE POWER, that is. Just ask Columbia. They PLAYED BALL and look how GREAT things are there AGAIN.

Should Harvard wish to resume enrolling FOREIGNERS, the Administration hereby DEMANDS the following VERY REASONABLE reforms:

1. Get Someone from the Astronomy Department to GIVE A SPEECH About the HEALTH BENEFITS of staring STRAIGHT INTO A SOLAR ECLIPSE
It’s time to MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN.

2. STOP Telling People that Christopher Rufo Didn’t Go to “THE REAL HARVARD”
The ABOUT US page of the HARVARD Extension School CLEARLY states, “We Are Harvard.” It says this rather POINTEDLY. Right at the TOP. This one’s on YOU.

3. Make the MINOTAUR GUY from January 6 the NEW MASCOT
He has NOT been the same since he got out of PRISON. He USED to be so FULL of LIFE, you know? This could be HUGE for him. We’re starting to get worried he’s just going to RANDOMLY CHARGE INTO THE WHITE HOUSE one of these days since we’ve NOW RULED that’s TOTALLY LEGAL.

4. Make It ILLEGAL for Alumni to Say They “WENT TO SCHOOL OUTSIDE OF BOSTON”
We KNOW that you don’t mean TUFTS. Just SPIT IT OUT, you SMUG S.O.B.s.

5. Affirmative Action for WHITE SOUTH AFRICANS
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a WHITE South African? Have you ever even SEEN Blood Diamond? Leonardo DiCaprio DIES at the end of that movie. He fucking DIES.

6. UN-CANCEL the Law Professor from Legally Blonde Who Made a Pass at Reese Witherspoon
Whatever happened to “BOYS will be BOYS”? You should make this guy the FACE of VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY on campus. Him and the MINOTAUR GUY.

7. While You’re at It, Change the Motto from “VERITAS” to “HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?”
Now THOSE were men. Latin is for PUSSIES.

8. Identify and Train an Elite Cohort of “SKY GENIUSES” to Pursue FULFILLING CAREERS as AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS
Obviously, our FIRST CHOICE was MIT, but we will TAKE what we can GET. I am GENUINELY AFRAID of trying to land the NEW QATARI JET anywhere NEAR the NEWARK AIRPORT.

9. Enroll BARRON and put him on the STARTING FIVE of the BASKETBALL TEAM
The kid can DUNK without LEAVING THE GROUND. It is an INCREDIBLE SIGHT to BEHOLD. His BODY is truly SO LONG.

10. Keep PUSHING That New “INTELLECTUAL VITALITY” Initiative
Actually, no notes on this one. We see what you’re doing here, and we couldn’t be happier.

Sincerely,
The TRUMP Administration